Blazblue: Critical Anomaly (Preview)
by Draconic
Summary: Someone shows up in Ragna's bedroom at Kagura's NOL branch when he's trying to take a nap. He isn't happy about this. He isn't happy about this at all.
1. Gag Reel 1

**Preview for upcoming story:**

 **Blazblue: Critical Anomaly**

 ** **Author's Note: Just to be clear, These are just a pair of gag reels for my story, so this doesn't actually have anything to do with the overall plot. It takes place in a semi-AU after the end of ChronoPhantasma.  
If you're looking at this story for the second time, the story you already read is now the second chapter.****

 **Gag Reel 1: Uninvited Guests — Part 1  
Hat Cat Burglary.**

Business continued as usual for several days, but as more and more time passed, a growing sense of anxiety began to weigh upon the residents of the Yabiko NOL Branch.

Izanami had been far too quiet as of late. It could be that she was planning her next move very carefully, or maybe controlling the Nox Nyctoris Gigant had used up more energy than she had expected, but they were expecting an attack at any moment.

But when an enemy finally did show up, it was the last person they expected.

* * *

"Whew, that still takes a lot out of me, but it gets easier the more I do it," breathed Noel.

Her face was flushed from exertion as she transformed back to her usual self.

"You really did a number on me, I've gotta admit," Ragna said, breathing heavily, a small trail of blood was trickling down the side of his face from a cut just above his cheekbone.

"I didn't hurt you too bad, did I?" asked Noel, noticing the cut.

"Nah, I'll be fine. I can handle physical injuries. In fact I prefer them to the alternative. I'm constantly on the verge of totally losing my shit because of the way people never explain anything to me. Master Jubei and that rabbit are always so cryptic about everything, not to mention the way people talk around me: either they act like I'm not even in the room with them, or they make sure that I only hear enough to worry me and then keep everything else a secret. It's enough to drive me insane!"

"I don't really understand all of it, but it sounds frustrating. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."

"I don't think this is really in your area of expertise. Also, didn't you just tell me that we weren't friends just the other day?"

"Oh. Right… I'm sorry. I kind of got caught up in the moment."

"Meh, it doesn't matter. Besides, you're still a good listener. Thanks for hearing me out. Ow! I think I twisted a muscle in my neck during our spar."

"Sorry…" Noel shrank back a few steps dejectedly.

Ragna fixed her with a half-lidded gaze.

"You know, people get hurt when they practice fighting. That's just a fact. You don't really have anything to apologize for—agh!" he grunted as his sleeve brushed against a cut on his arm. "I've gotta say though, those wings are deadly. I thought they were bad when I fought Nu. On the other hand, at least you don't use them for stabbing attacks, and that's a huge plus."

"I call them my wingblades. I felt like it fit their description. And thanks again for sparring with me so I can learn how to use them better. I don't want to depend too much on my turret ars magus. I wonder if there's a way I could keep more of myself covered though."

"You can turn into a flying death-dealing android, and you're worried about modesty?" asked Ragna "That's either really funny, or really sad."

"Hey, you're not a girl, you wouldn't understand!"

"That's an unfair assumption! I'm far more likely not to understand for a completely different reason."

"Huh, you know, I had more or less given up on either of you understanding anything," came a familiar voice. "I might have to reevaluate that assumption. Hmm, nah, not a chance; one of you's a complete imbecile, and the other is just ridiculous."

Noel transformed into her Mu-12 form by reflex, her booting sequence overclocking to the point that she didn't even have any loading time.

"No! No way! I'm calling bullshit!" Ragna sputtered, almost in hysterics, "I put up with some seriously messed up crap, but I _draw the frikkin' line here!_ You're dead! You're _more_ than dead! That masked creep literally cut your existence out of time itself! You don't even exist anymore! How the hell are you here!"

"I'll have to correct you there, Ragna," Hazama drawled with his usual smarm, "You see, there was a fine line where Hazama ended and Yuuki Terumi began, but that's neither here nor there, because old Hakkie didn't cut Hazama. He pretty much removed Terumi _from_ Hazama. Which I'll just let you know, was _the_ most painful experience of my life, mentally, physically, existentially… you get the picture. I literally would not wish it on my worst enemy. Which is a lie, of course, I'm a pretty twisted person even without Terumi in my head. I _was_ created specifically as his vessel."

"Goddamn you, you sonofabitch…"

"Hey, I'll have you know that my mother was a saint. Not quite so much as your own, but—" he paused, grinning like a fox, "Oh, who am I kidding? I never had parents. For all you need concern yourselves, I spawned from a puddle of swamp mold in an ars magus research facility. Which isn't true either by the way."

"Get out, now, or I'll purée you right here!" demanded Noel, her slightly modulated voice making her sound more aggressive than she intended, adding a fair bit of authority to her threat. Her wings began rotating around her with increasing speed until they resembled a buzz saw.

"Er, if you don't mind, let's not do that. I'm sure you've noticed by now, but in case you haven't, you should be able to tell that something is missing from my usual ensemble."

They suddenly noticed something that would have been obvious had they not already been so startled by the appearance of the Imperator's former pet snake.

Hazama wasn't wearing his hat.

And if he was here without his hat, that meant that he could only have come here with the intention of retrieving it. The only thing in the world that Hazama liked as much as hardboiled eggs and sowing discord was his hat! And there was only one person here with the gall to steal it from him.

Ragna and Noel realized all of this at the same time.

"I see you're catching on. That's good. Less trouble for me. I'm only here for my hat, and then I'll be out of your hair. For the time being at least. Now, if you wouldn't mind calling that kitty cat out here for me, I'd be much obliged."

"Uh, yeah, no, I'm not Kokonoe's biggest fan either, but the day I do you any favors is the day Tsubaki takes a job as an exotic dancer."

Noel decided that it would be best not to mention that Tsubaki occasionally took dancing lessons in Orient Town.

Hazama on his part, didn't look impressed. This conversation was a huge drain on his patience. To be fair, he was one of the most patient men he knew, in sharp contrast to his alter-ego, but still…

"What's all the ruckus out here?! I can barely hear myself think, and in my line of work that's incredibly debilitating!"

"Speak of the devil, and she shall appear…" Ragna moaned.

As if intentionally trying to provoke their unwanted guest, Kokonoe was actually _wearing_ Hazama's hat. Ragna didn't need to know anything about fashion to know that it clashed with the rest of her ensemble.

"Oh, it's you," she said as she saw Hazama, as if she didn't already know. Why else would she be wearing the damn hat?! "I figured you might show up around here eventually."

"Well, you obviously know what I'm here for, so if you wouldn't mind handing it over…" he held out his hand.

Kokonoe grinned like a devil.

"Okay, sure. Catch."

She tossed the hat like a frisbee, and Hazama's smirk fell away. He stepped lithely out of its flight path and watched as it lodged itself in the wall behind him.

Any sign of amusement on his face had vanished entirely. When he spoke, he sounded strangely calm. Noel felt a chill run down her spine. She ducked behind one of the pillars lining the hallway and gestured for Ragna to do the same.

"Okaaay…" he said, "Pretending for a moment that you _didn't_ alter my hat… wait. No, that won't work. Pardon me, let's try that again.

"Now, let's run with the completely implausible suggestion that the hat you've been fiddling around _isn't_ mine," the intensity of his voice rose, rather than its volume as he went right up to the mad scientist and looked her in the eye. "Even in such circumstances, there is already a very big problem here. Can you tell me what that problem is?"

Noel and Ragna certainly couldn't. But that was saying nothing of Kokonoe. And she just continued grinning up at Hazama like the cat she was.

"I honestly have no idea what you're talking about," she sneered

"Don't give me this crap, you know as well as I do what you've done. Specifically, that you've gone and ripped off _Mortal Kombat_ , which aside from being set in an entirely different universe, is a 3D Fighter! And it has more playership, which does get on my nerves from time to time. Also, you look nothing like Kung Lao."

"Hey, I don't give a crap about your opinion! And who the hell cares?! The blade is just a pair of interlocking razor sharp blades. They come off with the push of a button. It's a fine hat, I'll say that much. It deserves a better owner than you."

"Too bad. That's my property and I'm taking it back."

As Kokonoe had said, the blades came off by pressing a pair of buttons on each side of the hat. In possession of what he came for, he began to walk for the exit.

"Tager!"

"Right, Kokonoe," the Red Devil hefted up a large gun of some sort, aimed, and fired at Hazama's head, hitting his mark dead on. Noel and Ragna were both dumbstruck to see that the man still had a head.

"What in the world? What's all this?"

Hazama grumbled as the air changed color slightly. Then he sneezed.

"No… it's not possible…" he hissed. "You didn't! You _couldn't_!"

Oh yes I could! That grenade Tager just hit you with contained cat fur. Cat fur in the form of a gas, at least. It took some work, but I made it possible. I also had to shave a lot of cats, but no biggie."

"And naturally, she fails to mention that she tested the weapon on me."

"Tager's allergic to peanut butter, so I used that."

"So, that's why Tager was on sick leave for the past week and a half…" Noel said wonderingly.

"Peanut butter and cat fur in gas form? Seriously?!" Ragna grumbled, "Who the hell comes up with this sort of crap?!"

"I DO, MOTHER****ER!" cackled the mad scientist, snatching the gun from Tager and shooting two more allergen grenades at Hazama, who took off at a run, managing to kick one back in Kokonoe's direction. But the other hit him square in the face.

"I dod't eben dowh 'ow you…" he took a handkerchief out of his breast pocket and blew his nose violently. "How do you even know about my cat allergies?! I kept that a closely guarded secret."

"Oh, I've always known. Ever since I first saw you. It's sort of instinctual, I think. As a cat, I somehow knew that I was able to kill you just by overexposing you to me. Kinda nifty really."

"I won't forget this. Mark my words, you won't get the jump on me again. Not after _this_ insult."

"Ess Tee Eitch You and Gee Tee Eff Oh," she spat back.

"Uh, could you repeat that in a human language?"

"Okay: Shut the hell up and get the fuck out."

"Ugh… More than happy to," Hazama grumbled, "Don't you so much as _think_ about following me with that monstrosity of a grenade launcher either. I'll murder you if you try, don't think I won't."

"Don't need to. Two hits'll have you sneezing for a week."

Hazama sneezed almost as she said this.

"I'll just remind you that your mom's currently Hades Izanami's bitch. Why in the world are you spending your time finding creative ways to mess with me when you should presumably be trying to rescue her?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Kokonoe sneered.

Hazama's frown told her 'no' without him ever having to open his mouth.

"Because it's fun."

And that was what prompted Noel and Ragna to hide in their respective rooms for the rest of the day.


	2. Gag Reel 2

**Preview for upcoming story:**

 **Blazblue: Critical Anomaly**

 **Gag Reel 2: Uninvited Guests — Part 13**  
 **No, You Haven't Missed Anything**

After the run in with Hazama, Ragna thought he was ready for anything. That being said, he had made a point to spend the rest of his day relaxing in bed to the best of his ability. And when it came to taking naps, the only person better than him was Taokaka.

Which is probably the very reason someone came looking for him.

This time it was the _second_ -last person he wanted to see.

"Oh, please tell me I'm just hallucinating…" he said as he saw a short girl with platinum blonde hair walk through the door.

"Yaaay! I finally found you Ragna! Nu's been so lonely without you," giggled the Murakumo earnestly, jumping onto his bunk and falling down on top of him.

"Of course I'm not," he said, continuing to talk to himself, "I'm the only one around here who's unlucky enough to be completely sane."

He stretched his arm all the way back and felt around for the emergency intercom button by the side of the steel headboard. He was completely pinned beneath Nu. She wasn't even wearing her armor, but she was surprisingly heavy. She must have had a lot of muscle mass. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, someone picked up the other end of the line.

"Ragna? What's going on?" answered Kagura.

"Kagura, is Jin with you right now?" he gasped out, attempting to push Nu away, but she hung on tightly.

"I'm here, Brother. What did you want?"

"Is a guy named Murphy skulking around the branch?"

"You're using the emergency line to ask an inane question?" Kagura sputtered.

Jin took it more in stride.

"I'll go out on a limb and assume you mean to obscurely reference the colloquial law that states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong?"

"More or less. If he's around, murder him in the most horrible way you can think of."

"You want your brother to find a random guy named Murphy and castrate him while bludgeoning him to death with a live crocodile?" shouted Kagura.

"That's the most horrible thing you can think of? You have no imagination," said Nu, nuzzling into the crook of Ragna's neck.

He sighed and spoke up before Kagura had the chance to add his two cents to the situation. "Look, Jin, I'm in my room, I've got an amorous and very psychotic Murakumo unit in here with me, and she has me pinned. Literally. I'd find it extremely helpful if someone could get me out of this. Can you or…someone, anyone really, get down here ASAP?"

"I'll come right down and see what I can do," Jin answered to Ragna's immense relief.

The p.a. wasn't shut off just yet though. Kagura had heard a girl's voice, and now he was curious.

"So, Ragna, who's that with you? You're not going to tell me that _you_ actually managed to pick up a girl are you?"

"Ragna didn't seduce Nu. Nu already loves him. And… I want to become one with you."

"Not bad. You just met this chick and you've already got her going down on you," said Kagura.

Ragna on the other hand had a rather different interpretation of that statement. The last time he heard it, it preceded grievous, nearly fatal abdominal wounds. And he didn't even have his sword on hand this time.

"HEEEELLLLP!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. Within seconds, the door burst back open and Noel rushed inside.

"Ragna! What's wrong? Are you hurt? I— Oh gawd! I-I-I'm s-so sorry!" she suddenly dived out of the room, her face going so red it looked like she had a bad sunburn, eyes welling with tears. Then she suddenly found her embarrassment replaced by something far less pleasant.

"Wait a minute!" she shouted, stomping back not the room, outraged. "What's _she_ doing here?!"

Even stuck as he was beneath a dangerously amorous girl, Ragna still managed to inject some snark into his reaction."

"Noel, you can't seriously believe this is what it looks like. Not after what you've literally seen her do to me!"

"That's no excuse!"

"You make it sound like I'm cheating on you! Have we even gone on so much as a date?!" he continued struggling against Nu's iron grip with negligible success.

"Nu doesn't want Ragna to have any other lovers. Nu wants you all to herself."

"Wha-wha-whaaat?!" Noel's face was just getting redder and redder.

"Nu said she won't share Ragna with you," said Nu petulantly.

"Yes, that's very nice, now will you please get off me before I have to start throwing punches?" said Ragna. He was quickly coming to realize that whenever she wasn't in a fight, Nu was twice the airhead Noel was. Which just made the difference in her behavior that much scarier.

"Don't ignore me!" wailed Noel.

"Hey, if you're going to just stand there complaining about this psycho on top of me being here in the first place, instead of helping me remove her, I'll ignore you all I want."

"You're terrible!"

"No I'm not! _You're_ ignoring the fact that I could be seconds away from being killed right now because my attacker's a girl!"

"Nu doesn't want to kill you today, Ragna. She just wants to cuddle."

He ground his teeth together in frustration.

"Thanks Nu, that was really helpful. If I _do_ get out of this in one piece, I'm gonna kill you."

"What kind of thing is that to say to a girl who likes you?" admonished Noel.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" he snapped, "Are you on her side, or your own? Pick one, because you certainly aren't on mine!"

"I can't help it! She's in your bed. On top of you! I'm very distressed!"

"Why?! Is there something between us that I don't know about?! Because if there is, A; I want to know what—if anything—I'm missing out on, and B; Why I haven't heard anything about it. And by the way, _key words_ : _On top of!_ I can't get her off! You're willfully ignoring the fact that I'm struggling to get her off right now!"

Noel moved her mouth as though to say something, but nothing came out. She wasn't as good in an argument as she was in a straight-up fight, that much was certain.

Nu on her part just stayed where she was, snuggling him and giggling cutely. Maybe she really wasn't planning on killing him. On the other hand, he'd still rather be pinned down by Taokaka. At least he knew how to get rid of her.

"Well, I guess I'll just lay here and wait until she goes back to normal and kills me," he said apathetically, "I hope you can live with yourself knowing that you could have prevented my gruesome death, Noel."

As luck would have it, Jin finally arrived as Ragna was saying this.

"And in what area has the trash failed this time?" he asked before seeing the Murakumo unit securely fastened to his brother's upper body.

Ragna almost sneered fro his prone position, "Nu, for your own safety, I'd recommend getting the hell away from me. Like, right now."

"What in the hell do you think you're doing to my brother, you disgusting creature?" he asked Nu warily, his tone carrying a subtle, yet dangerous edge. Noel cringed involuntarily.

"Nu isn't doing anything, silly," said the Murakumo.

"I'm afraid whether you're doing anything or not doesn't matter. It's time to get you out of here," said Jin, grabbing Nu by the collar and attempting to throw her from the bunk. She didn't budge an inch. He tried pulling her by the arms with no more success, even as he began to strain himself.

"Wow…" gasped Noel, in awe of the other girl's sheer strength.

Seeing that he wasn't getting anywhere, Jin released Nu and took Yukianesa, maneuvering the sheathed blade between the two bodies like a pry-bar.

"Thanks for the save, Jin, I'll owe you one after this," said Ragna.

Jin didn't answer. He just pushed down on the hilt with all his strength. Nu shifted slightly this time, but not enough to get her off.

"Jeez, what is with this chick?!" Ragna snarled, trying to help Jin as much as he could by pushing her away with all his might, to no avail.

"Stop trying to make Nu go away. You're making Nu sad."

"I don't give a damn about your feelings! You're an Anti-Sankishin Unit. You're less of a person than the trash over there! And I've had enough. Yukianesa!"

He unsheathed the sword this time and struck at Nu with impossibly accurate slashes, hitting her over and over with freezing blows and not even coming close to Ragna.

Nu didn't even flinch. Within moments she had completely repaired herself.

"You can't force Nu to go. She wants to stay here," she said.

"Yeah, it's beginning to look that way," mused Jin. He might need to swallow his pride on this one. "Noel, can you give us a hand here?" he asked.

"Uh, okay, I guess. But you have to take responsibility for your actions, Ragna!"

"Responsibility?! Responsibility for what?! Oh forget it, just get her off of me," he whined.

"Alright, I'm ready," said Noel, taking hold of the back collar of Nu's half-cape.

"Good. Now, on three," Ragna said, placing one hand against Nu's collarbone and the other on her ribcage. Jin went back to using Yukianesa like a crowbar, and Noel got ready to pull with all her might. "One, two… —what in the hell was that?!"

He wasn't angry; he was just shocked—and slightly terrified—that Noel had singlehandedly pulled the apparently immovable Nu off of him.

She was now holding a rather dejected-looking Nu from beneath the arms and forcing her toward the door.

Ragna and Jin weren't really paying too much attention to that though. They were too busy replaying the part when Noel took hold of Nu's arm and pulled her away with virtually no resistance.

"How do you think she managed that, Brother?" Jin asked.

"Well, I've got two theories," he said, sitting up. "The first is that Nu wasn't able to resist the pull of another Murakumo unit. The second is that Noel's strength as Kusanagi has surpassed that of Hakumen. I'm really hoping it's the first."

The truth was actually far less straightforward.

"And that's that!" said Noel, walking back into the room.

"Thanks for your help, you two. I honestly feared for my life a few times there."

"I'm surprised you weren't more frightened when I arrived. I still have a strong urge to kill you, brother.

"Well, you haven't yet, I can handle you any day of the week, and I'm sure that Noel would have defended me had you attacked me here.

"You know, it's bad enough that she nearly killed me multiple times, but do you know what the worst part is? It's that despite her ludicrous behavior, I'm pretty sure she actually loves me, and would be really adorable if it weren't for her obscenely dangerous misconceptions about sex.

"HUH?!" Noel sputtered.

"Hey, what the hell are you acting so surprised about? You literally saw what she did to me! She shoved that sword hanging from the end of her braid through my gut and hers. You were right there! That was, in her mind, the so-called greatest experience in life."

"You're kidding," Jin said with a completely straight face.

"Not even. You should have heard her; 'Deeper, Nu wants it deeper!'" he said in a lame imitation of Nu's voice, "She even started whispering pillow talk into my ear while she inched me over to the cauldron."

"Wha-a-a-at?!" Noel wailed, on the verge of passing out from embarrassment.

"Oh, for the love of—! Do you _really_ think you interrupted an intimate moment all of a sudden? After all this time? It's been weeks! Was it not perfectly obvious that you saved my sorry ass back in Kagutsuchi?"

"I'm sorry! I'm not good in these types of conversations!"

"Well I'm certainly not stopping the both of you from getting outta here. I just want to spend the last few hours of my day not dealing with a million crises. You know, peace and quiet and all that."

"Oh! I'm sorry! I'll see you later then. Bye."

She hurried away and went back to her previous activity.

She wished she was a better judge of her own writing ability. Writing poetry was hard.

"You too, Jin. So long."

Jin shrugged and left the room. He had plans with Tsubaki soon anyway.

"And that's everything," he thought for a moment. "Oh, right…" He'd have to take care of one last thing before he could actually relax.

"Tao, I know you're here," he growled, "Where are you hiding?"

There was no answer, but he decided to make a stop at the cafeteria and buy some pork buns, just in case. He got five, and set them out on a dish which he left on the end table outside the door. He even left a note:

 **For Taokaka**  
 **Don't bother me!**

He didn't know if Tao could even read her own name, but if she saw food laying around unguarded, she'd eat it without a second thought. And as long as she wasn't hungry, there was nobody else to bother him.

Thank. Freaking. Heaven.

* * *

Kokonoe wasn't one to do things halfway. Every single one of her security cameras on-site had built-in microphones so she could get quality audio footage.

Its value spoke for itself: this little incident would provide her hours of entertainment right now, and after that, she could save it for a rainy day.

"Still, I've gotta wonder, how come only Noel was able to move her?"

Rachel, having watched the scene unfold on the monitors with no shortage of disdain, explained it.

"Nu had been clinging to Ragna very resolutely, but not so tightly as to be an immovable object. As a matter of fact, that part was Noel's doing: As soon as she saw Nu in Ragna's bed, she Observed the scene as the Eye of the Azure, and lapsed into doubts about her self-image, Thereafter, as long as she was angrily dwelling on her own insecurities and spacing out, so to speak, Nu would not even have been able to move away from Ragna even had she desired to do so. Naturally, when she finally was prompted to do something about it, Noel then Observed Nu's removal. Thus it was only natural that Nu came loose with virtually no effort on anyone's part."

Kokonoe shrugged.

"Huh… Makes sense, I guess."

"Of course it does!" said Gii, "The Princess explained it after all!"

"So true," agreed Nago.

A vein throbbed in Kokonoe's temple. How could a pair of stuffed animals be so annoying?

"Ugh… shut 'em up, or sew 'em up, Rachel, but for the love of god, please just make them stop talking."

Rachel did neither. She _did_ vanish with her entourage, but that left the scientist with the new problem of seeping up the rose petals she always left behind. She dipped her hand into a bag of candy-coated chocolates and stuffed a handful into her mouth. She needed some stress relief. Maybe she'd go find Ragna tomorrow and show him her fantastic security footage.

She got back to work, ignoring the petals for the time being. She'd clean her room later.


End file.
